14o3o9; Lana currently NOT in Wonderland

ask me this in a month;

"Hello Lana, how are you today?"

"Still alive."

"Oh? What have you been up to?"

"Not much hey. I work in a call centre and bludge my way through life. It’s great. All my short term goals for a career have pretty much crumbled. Yeah. Blame the recession and the high unemployment rate (that’s why I don’t watch the news) but hey, I’m still alive. That’s got to count for something right? I mean, I have a roof over my head, a home cooked meal (almost) everyday, at least once. And I have an income – not centrelink payments – money that I work for.
And so I’m not doing what I want to do. Really I don’t know what to do anymore. But that’s why I quit Star City – I had bigger dreams to pursue. I had plans and goals to travel and work abroad in the next three or four years, only to realize it’s impossible. Not because it may be difficult, or I have restraints or lack of self confidence, I’ve had opportunities presented to me, but I didn’t take them up for more important things.
I love my mum. She’s not the healthiest person, but I do love her.
I have learnt so much in the past 4 years and I guess that’s what keeps me going. No, I’m not learning what I want to learn to build a career – I don’t even know what career to pursue now. But I live. Not to the fullest, I just live.
I go to a dead end job, work in an office and talk to strangers on the phone who really don’t want to talk to me. Heck I wouldn’t want to talk to them. But I make enough to get by. I see my friends, they tell me their problems I try to fix it. I go home, listen to my mum’s crappy day at work, try to talk to my father about something that isn’t online poker, and I sleep. Sometimes when I feel like crap I sit and drink red wine (not because I’m a booze hound but because I probably really need the endorphins to keep me alive) and either look at art/design, or create my own. Yes, there is a lot that stops me from creating my own art, ie. Lack of self confidence yet again, or just that my computer is a shitbox and plagued with problems. But I’m still alive. And my mum’s still alive. That’s all well and good, isn’t it?
And I sleep, 8 hours like the health freaks recommend. I wake to face all the melodramas of my life again. Isn’t that what life is about?
God blesses people with talents, and maybe he skipped me because he had a lunch date or something. (then again I don’t believe in god so, someone who created me skipped the talent part – thanks mum!) or maybe I haven’t found my talent? I know I have passions. That’s good enough. And I have friends, who, for the most part, are good company. I don’t think I want to be rich. I do want to be financially stable but I live with my parents and my psychotic brothers and I don’t much rent. I guess that’s enough. Right?
I could be rich, never work a day in my life and complain about what to do with the $10,000 daddy put into my bank account this month, but I don’t think I’d have the appreciation and love (if you can call it that) of life that I currently (mildly) possess.
And I’ll probably grow up sometime, get married and die happy. But right now and in the near future, I probably won’t look back and say “I worked hard for this, followed my dream, knocked down all those walls and I would not have changed a thing.”
I’m getting no where fast; I am a product of anti-depressants, but I don’t think I would change a thing. I try to be the strongest person I could ever meet. And yes, I hate the lifestyle I live but I love what it’s made me become.
Sometimes I cry. Rarely. And sometimes, or all the time rather, not crying hurts more than crying.
But that’s life. I guess I did waste $15k on college. But it’s good to remember why I studied it – it’s what I want to do. I just have to find the talent.
And as long as I have an income, even if it’s not what I want to do and it might not take me anywhere, I’ll be able to make art, surround myself in good company, and live.
Depressing, I know, but I’m off those anti-depressants! I still manage a smile everyday and my mother is still alive."

"Oh well uhhh, that’s good to hear."

"Yeah and when I look back that’s about all that stops me from killing myself..."

o8maro9; action/reaction

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow yeah
Just to prove I knew how yeah
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

sometimes you feel like writing something but never know what, so some song lyrics should express how you're feeling.

nothing like basking in your own company on a rainy sunday.

o1o3o9; i wish things never changed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQsbMMrLx5M&feature=channel_page